


The Fifth Member

by hikawasrinko (ranpoandpoe)



Series: Transdori Week 2020 [4]
Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Existential Crisis, F/F, Gender Confusion, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Identity Issues, Insecurity, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Okusawa Misaki Suffers, Okusawa Misaki-centric, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Okusawa Misaki, Transdori Week 2020, misaki carries kokoro, sorry for the lots of tags hh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26602906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ranpoandpoe/pseuds/hikawasrinko
Summary: For the band, do I have any worth besides a huge, pink bear suit?
Relationships: Okusawa Misaki/Tsurumaki Kokoro
Series: Transdori Week 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933393
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25
Collections: Transdori Week 2020





	The Fifth Member

**Author's Note:**

> transdori - day 4: gender euphoria / 
> 
> this was supposed to be harohapi reassuring misaki about his gender to fit into the prompt of gender euphoria but i just made a general identity crisis alongside gender dysphoria and you'll have to deal with it :)

Being Michelle’s safe. The pink bear is whatever Misaki decided it is. Michelle is her, except when she doesn’t want her to be. It’s simple, easy: if you hate your body, why show it at all? If you hate the fact that your chest is flat, that your hands are a bit too big and that she’s the opposite of curvy, but still wants to join a band and have friends, the solution is obvious: get inside your human-sized pink bear costume and join a band as their DJ!

It isn’t perfect. If it wasn’t for the hideout of that sinful flesh she’s stuck inside of, Misaki would’ve quitted a long time ago. But Michelle- oh, Michelle! 

Michelle wears flowered dresses, she’s kind and strong, the latter being in a positive light; she’s feminine and isn’t called slurs; she gets hugs from little kids instead of a strange stare after the parent’s whisper in their ear. Michelle just… doesn’t go through that. She’s brave, dancing and jumping around stages, carrying her bandmates, using perfume.

That’s why Misaki gets surprised when Kokoro complains. “You should come to the stage with us, Misaki…” She’s pouting and that’s the saddest the girl will ever get. It’s like staring into the sun: bright, but hurts. “You’re so fun, but how will you make people smile on the backstage?”

The comment puts a thought into Misaki’s head. Even though she is on stage and Kokoro just doesn’t know it, why does the vocalist want her on stage? She already has Michelle, the adjacent of all the good parts of her; why preferring the crusts of the bread you just cut instead of the sandwich? 

It might be the silliest thing Misaki’s ever thought, and she’s definitely judging the person she’d become with Hello, Happy World!, but she can’t ‘unthink’ now: she is jealous of Michelle. Her pink alter-ego can dance around, happy and free. She makes other people smile, and the counterpoint was Misaki, who even manages to make Kokoro, happiness personified, pout. When Michelle wears a dress, she gets looked at weird because she’s a big bear and not because doing so is against the Bible or something. 

She then envies Kaoru: they’re an actress who can pass as anything they’d like. When they’re wearing a dress, everyone claps, because wow, it’s the prettiest girl in the room. And when they’re wearing more masculine clothes, they’re stealing their kittens’ hearts mercilessly, and the prince they are. Misaki wishes she could do something like that: putting on a dress and suddenly becoming undoubtedly a girl. 

She gets to the conclusion that she envies everyone. Kanon is shy, but brave. So brave, that she can be a bit reckless at times. Hagumi hasn’t fully accepted her own femininity yet, but she’s a princess. Then, there’s Kokoro, of course. She’s the one Misaki envies the most: she’s like the sun, inside and outside, and her light is overbearing. Her confidence would outshine everyone else’s and the way she doesn’t care about what the others would think- 

Misaki thought she hated it, but it’s just envy. Envy of the golden and invisible shield that protected Kokoro from any shape of negative thought. None of the people laughing at her and calling her names was a bother to her; she’d just jump around and dance and sing the same way as always. Unaffected. And somehow, her craziness seemed relieving. No one cared if she wore pants or a dress, because the others expected nothing from her. Kokoro… sometimes, Misaki wished she wasn’t as sane, following her bandmate’s example. 

But maybe Kokoro was the sane one. Maybe the world is backwards, maybe everyone cares too much and needs a little bit of craziness to be able to get by without losing their mind. But whatever it is, Kokoro and Misaki are opposites. While one overflows with light, the other just feels… empty. An enormous void without meaning. 

Then suddenly, before Misaki has time to come to any conclusions, she’s pulled from her daydreaming with a scream from Kokoro. The vocalist is falling. It’s hard to know  _ from where,  _ but after some time, Misaki had learned not to question; she just runs towards the bright eyed girl, in time to catch her.

“Misaki~!!” Kokoro exclaims. Her eyes are shining brightly, but not as usual. Misaki didn’t know what was different, but there was  _ something. _ Maybe her smile was bigger or… maybe there was an extra star in her eyes. Starry eyed. She smiled with the thought. “You’re so strong! Just as strong as Michelle!” 

Ah. So that was it, Misaki thought. She was probably in awe over how such a thin girl could have the same strength as a pink bear. A magical one, perhaps? It was very hard to know the lengths of Kokoro’s imagination. 

“Yeah, um… I’ve been exercising…” She lies. Truth is, keeping up with the band and being on stage was enough to make a gal considerably stronger. Or an agender person. Trans girl or a huge void of emptiness, chaos and depression, Misaki couldn’t exactly tell those apart. 

“And you’re warm!” Kokoro exclaims again. Instead of leaving Misaki’s arms, she just pressed her more. “You’re so comfortable, Misaki~! Please, carry me around!”

“Eh?!” Misaki immediately felt her face heating. She’d say Kokoro was way too close, but she’d lost her notion of personal space long ago. And although she didn’t dislike it, she also did. She was a mess and in no way deserving of carrying the brightest girl in the world. It seemed wrong, a huge amount of darkness carrying the sun. It didn’t make sense in its core. “No?!”

The answer sounded more like a question. 

“Please~!” Kokoro begged once again, holding Misaki even tighter. It was hard to say no to the puppy eyes and the three threatening faces of the suits. 

“Fine…” She finally agreed and could feel Kokoro’s giggles on her neck. That was exactly what she feared.  _ I’m not good enough to fall in love with you, but I can’t help it.  _

“Misaki, Misaki, Misaki!” Kokoro called until the DJ looked at her. “I can listen to your heartbeat! It’s so fast~! I’m sure mine is, too! Do you want to listen?” Misaki didn’t have time to say no: the Tsurumaki girl’s pulse was already pressed into her ear. 

And that proved that Kokoro was right: as Misaki held her hand up to keep it the right distance for her to be able to hear anything, her heart was racing. That was what she feared: a tiny, little thing that would give Misaki the small and foolish hope that her love was reciprocated.

It couldn’t be. How could someone like Kokoro be in love with her polar opposite, as adventurous as that might sound? Someone so empty, sad, and miserable in comparison to her full, happy self. It was impossible, but hope was the cruelest of the enemies. 

“Um, Kokoro…” Misaki said as she carefully put the girl on the floor. “I have to go now. I… uh… I’m sorry.”

Misaki didn’t give Kokoro time to say anything: she just ran, hoping no one would follow her. She ran without even worrying about where, which was basically asking to find Kanon. And that was exactly what happened. “Misaki-chan?” The blue haired girl called. “Are you okay?”

“I… uh…” At that moment, Misaki knew she was in no condition to make up a consistent lie. “Not really. Can I ask you about something? I can take you home after.”

“Ah, thank you, Misaki-chan! And of course!” Kanon looked at her bandmate, waiting for the question that was so important. 

“What am I to Hello, Happy World!?” She finally let out. “Not Michelle. Me, Misaki.”  _ For the band, do I have any worth besides a huge, pink bear suit?  _ “You can answer sincerely, I can take it. You don’t need to be kind.”

“You’re the pillar,” Kanon answered after a few seconds of consideration. “You’re reliable. Hello, Happy World! is safe because of you. We know we can be brave, because if we fall… you’ll be there to help us… pick up the pieces…” 

Misaki’s first reaction was shock. Her eyes widened and she stared at Kanon as if all those words were incoherent. But then, her expression softened and she even let out a smile. It was a start. 

“Thanks, Kanon-san.”

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter's @yukisayochisas


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